|
* Justin from New Hampshire .. lol
- " Wicked cool man dude "
- " My facial hair grows as fast as chocolate chips on a cookie"
* Ace Ventura: Pet Detective:
- Ace: "If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer!"
- Melissa: do you want an ash-tray for that?
Ace: no. I dont smoke, its a disgusting habbit.
- Lois: "You must really love animals".
Ace: "Only when it's really cold"
- Lois Einhorn: I can make your life a living hell
Ace Venturas: I'm not ready for a relationship right now lois.
- Melissa: "Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson."
Ace: "Pleasure to meet you."
Melissa: "Did you have any trouble getting in?"
Ace: "No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle."
- Ace: "I have a package for you, sir."
Man: "Sounds broken."
Ace: "Most likely; I bet it was something nice, though!"
* ALADDIN
- Jafar: Gazeem was obviously less than worthy.
Iago: Wow! Theres a big surprise! I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die, from that surprise.
- Jafar: How many times do I have to kill you, boy?
- Jafar: You are late.
Gazeem: A thousand pardons, oh patient one.
- Jafar: You're speechless, I see! A fine quality in a wife!
- Guard: He's got a sword!
Razoul: You idiots -- we've ALL got swords!
* A Night at the Roxbury
- Steve: "Hey, nice bulbs, Emily. Oh, and I don't mean that metaphorically."
- Doug Butabi: "You can take our car, and you can take our keys, but you cannot take away our dreams!"
Steve Butabi: "Yeah, because we're sleeping when we have them!"
- Steve: "What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?"
Doug: "Steve, slow down."
Steve: "I can't help it man, it's hottie overload!"
Doug: "Just pace yourself."
Steve: "Ok... What's up? ...2, 3, 4. What's up? ...2, 3, 4..."
* Big Daddy
- Sonny Koufax: Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.
- [Music playing in the background]
Layla Maloney: This is Styx.
Sonny Koufax: Yeah.
Layla Maloney: They've been my favorite band since I was, like, twelve.
Sonny Koufax: You're kidding me?
Layla Maloney: No, no, I can't help it, I just love them. My friends make fun of me all the time.
Sonny Koufax: My friends make fun of me all the time, too. I've seen them, like, twenty-five times. Tommy Shaw, when I
was, like, sixteen years old, I was at the concert, he actually reached out and grabbed my hand, pulled me up on stage, and
I got to do the robot voice for Mr. Roboto!
- Sonny Koufax: The kid just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel.
- [Ordering food]
Sonny Koufax: Julian, what do you want?
Julian: Thirty packets of ketchup.
- Sonny Koufax: Hey, you stay away from the frozen food section. Your boobs'll harden.
- Ted Castelucci: Objection, Your Honor! The court is interested in the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father.
Lenny Koufax: You want my opinion? My son is a moron.
Ted Castelucci: I withdraw my objection. Please proceed!
* Billy Madison
- Mr. Madison: Remember that spelling bee in the 2nd grade?
Billy: Oh no Dad, you didn't.
Mr. Madison: Rock? R-O-K?
Billy: Yeah, so what's your point?
Mr. Madison: R-O-C-K!
- Billy: No I will not make out with you! You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can
talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, people, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!
- Frank: I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo.
Jack: Maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco!
Frank: Polo! Man, that's a good game.
- Billy: I swear to God I'm sick! I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits!
Billy: Oh my God! I'll go to school!
- Billy Madison: Back to school! Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool! I got my lunch packed up, my boots
tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhh, back to school! Back to school! Back to school! Well, here goes nothing!
* Dirty Dancing
- Max Kellerman: "I want you girls to know, that if it weren't for this man here, I'd be standing here dead."
- Robbie: "Some people count, and some people don't."
- Johnny: "I've never known anybody like you, Baby. You look at the world and you think you can make it better. If
somebody's lost, you find them. If somebody's bleedin'..."
Baby: "Yeah, I go get my daddy. That's really brave. Like you said."
Johnny: "That took a lot of guts to go to him. You are not scared of anything..."
Baby: "Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw. I'm scared of what I did, of who I am. And most of
all... I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life, the way I feel when I'm with you."
* Dude, Where's my Car?
- Jesse Montgomery III: Who's "Joe Potsmoker"?
Chester: Oh, that's my alter-ego.
Jesse Montgomery III: Wait, I thought that was MY alter-ego.
Chester: No, you're "Smokey McPott."
- Jesse Montgomery III: Dude, where's my car?
Chester: Where's your car dude?
Jesse Montgomery III: DUDE, where's my car?
Chester: Where's your car dude?
- Jesse Montgomery III: Have you seen my car?
Christie Boner: Yeah.
Jesse Montgomery III: You have?
Christie Boner: Well, I saw the backseat.
Jesse Montgomery III: No, I'm talking about the whole thing.
- Hot Chicks: We are not guys, we are extremly hot chicks with large breasts.
- Jesse: Screw the universe!
Nordic Dudes: Screw the universe?
- Jesse: Stupid llamas!
- Piere: In France, when a man is caught poaching ostrages we shave his head and make him run through the fields.
Mark: Oh god, that's the good part!
* FIGHT CLUB
- Narrator: This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
- Tyler Durden: Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is a spiritual war. Our depression is
our lives.
- Tyler Durden: We are a generation of men raised by women. I'm beginning to wonder if another woman is what we really
need.
- Narrator: Marla was like that cut on the roof of your mouth that would go away if you'd stop tonguing it, but you can't.
- Tyler Durden: You are not your job. You are not the money in your bank account. You are not the car you drive. You are
not how much money is in your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
- Narrator: With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.
- Narrator: We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them.
* The Little Mermaid
- Sebastian: You know what her father'll say? I'll tell you what her father'll say. He's gonna kill himself a crab, that's
what her father'll say.
- Sebastian: Will you get your head out of the clouds and back in the water where it belongs!
- Ariel: I've never seen a human this close before. Oh - he's very handsome, isn't he?
Scuttle: [Looking at Max, Eric's dog] I dunno, he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me.
- Sebastian: [singing] The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.
* Love quotes <3
- There is only one happiness in life,
to love and be loved. - George Sand -
- To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides - David Viscott -
- Came but for friendship, and took away love. - Thomas Moore -
- When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out. - Elizabeth Bowen -
- Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command. -Alan Watts
- To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. - Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970),
Marriage and Morals (1929) ch. 19
- The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are
transformed. -Carl Jung
- All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand. -Ella Wheeler Wilcox
- Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything
for. -Erica Jong
- There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. -Friedrich Nietzsche
- There is no remedy for love but to love more. -Henry David Thoreau
- Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real. -Iris Murdoch
- True love brings up everything - you're allowing a mirror to be held up to you daily. -Jennifer Aniston
- To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven. -Karen Sunde
* The Hot Chick
- Jessica: [after kissing April] I feel so lesbian now.
- April: So....can I see it?
Jessica: I don't think you get the gravity of this situation here.
April: Sorry....can I see it? Come on, it's not every day that your best friend grows a penis.
- Jessica: Hildenburg, I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of the whole school and the visiting eighth graders, but you
have no idea what it's like to be a girl who has to shave her chin every morning.
Hildenburg: [crying] Yes, I do.
-[Clive, in Jessica's body, looks at a box of tampons frantically]
Clive (Jessica): I gotta do WHAT?!
-Jessica: [on the phone to Billy after becoming a man] I should have made love to you when I had the chance.
Billy: Father Mulcahy?
-Jessica: Look at these earrings! I'll be the envy of every girl at prom! Not that that's in jeopardy!
-Jessica (Clive): You think you're so cool just because you can pee with your penis!
-Obnoxious Guy at Club: Are you the girl who slept with the college guy?
Eden: [annoyed] NO!
Obnoxious Guy at Club: Do you want to be?
Jessica: [in Clive's body] She's not interested, so why don't you just back off?
Obnoxious Guy at Club: You and me outside right now.
-Clive (Jessica): [Walking into the bathroom after he has turned into Jessica] WHERE'S MY....?!
-Teacher: I'm returning your papers on the Salem Witch Trials. Eden here got the only A.
Jessica: That's not fair. She's the only one who was actually there.
-Clive: Fine. I'll give you your body back because it soooo important. Waa waa I'm crying about my body...
-Korean Mother: Ling Ling, you forgot your bling bling!
* ZOOLANDER
-Mugatu: They're break-dance fighting.
-Derek Zoolander: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding
out what that is.
-Larry Zoolander: Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film and television actor.
-Derek Zoolander: Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
-Derek Zoolander: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good
looking?
-Billy Zane: It's a walk-off!
-Maury Ballstein: I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.
-Matilda: When I was in 7th grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.
Derek Zoolander: Ew!
-Derek Zoolander: Well, I guess it started during my first year of the second grade, when I was eating lunch and caught
my reflection in a spoon, and I thought to myself, 'Hey, Derek, you're ridiculously good looking! And I thought maybe I could
do that for a career.
Matilda: Do what for a career?
Derek Zoolander: Be professionally good looking.
-Hansel: The files are *in* the computer?
-Mugatu: I feel like I've been taking crazy pills!
-Matilda: I became...
Hansel: What?
Matilda: Bulimic.
Derek Zoolander: You can read minds?
-Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?
Matilda: Honestly?
Hansel: Yes.
Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
-Hansel: I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in
what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine.
Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it,
but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling?
No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.
-[After he pokes a girl with a pin]
Mugatu: Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out
of my building now!
-[After spitting out and spilling some bad coffee all over his assistant]
Mugatu: Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte!?
-Protestor: Mugatu! Screw you and your little dog too!
-[After throwing Matilda into the street from Mugatu's spa]
Katinka: I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit...stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander!
-Katinka: I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense, not one little bit.
-Hansel: Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?
-Hansel: Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude!
-Derek Zoolander: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori
tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".
-VH1 Reporter: Derek, are you worried about Hansel?
Derek Zoolander: Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel.
-Larry Zoolander: I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander: Mer-man! *cough* Mer-man!
-[Unveiling a building model]
Mugatu: I give you, "The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good."
[Derek looks at the model for a moment, then throws it on the floor]
Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants?! How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they
can't even fit inside the building?
-Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.
Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
Matilda: That was last Friday.
Derek Zoolander: Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
-Derek Zoolander: Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as
many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investi-gatory journalist, no matter how many friends
you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investi-gatory
journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?
-Hansel: The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder?
[Derek glares at him]
Hansel: Nice Comeback! Ha ha.
-[after being in a coal mine for a day]
Derek Zoolander: [high-pitched cough] ...I think I'm getting the Black Lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there.
Larry Zoolander: For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.
-Derek Zoolander: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual
brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
Derek Zoolander: If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious,
precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in
a freak gasoline fight accident.
-Mugatu: Hansel...so hot right now..Hansel.
-Hansel: Well then you can just dere-lick... my balls.
* GUY QUOTES
- When watching TV, hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts
and commercials.
- Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
- If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this
is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
- If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend
to discuss it.
- Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a
no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
* Life's Questions
- If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?
- Why we have C, D and three kinds of A batteries but no B batteries?
- Who doesn't want to be a millionaire?
- What's the deal with the squiggly lines on the bottom of Snickers bars?
- Why do they put lines in the sidewalk?
- If cocaine were legal, would they sell it in little packages like Sweet N' Low? Would they call it Sweet N' High?
- If drinking and driving is illegal, why do bars have parking lots?
- If someone leads but no one follows... are they just out for a walk?
- Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?
- After heat killed bad germs, where do they go? Obviously not in heaven, since they've been bad. Surely then can't go
to hell, for the heat would kill them again(?)...
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?
- Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
- Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons because they were created and not born so therefore no umbilical stump to create
one?
- Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
- Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- Does Mr. Rogers really want us to be his neighbor?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- Have you ever wondered what the other side of your bellybutton looks like? Ewww.
- How came they call them Tuna fish but not beef mammal or chicken bird?
- How can someone draw a blank?
- How can there be a limited lifetime warranty?
- How can there be self-help GROUPS?
- How come when you are driving through a neighborhood looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
- How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?
- how do the skittle company people know what a rainbow tastes like?
- How do you get off a non-stop flight?
- How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
- If 7-11 is open 24-7 and 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
- If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?
- If it's called a boxing RING, then why are they square?
- If knowledge is power and power corrupts, doesn't knowledge corrupt?
- If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
- If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
- If your clone kills you, is that suicide?
- Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
- What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
*Seven Degrees of blondes .. hehe
FIRST DEGREE
>A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear,"
,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*
SECOND DEGREE
>Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens
it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me
see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
-_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*
THIRD DEGREE
>A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly
and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse
to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do
it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of
them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
:_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*
FIFTH DEGREE
>What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
:_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:*
SIXTH DEGREE
>Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if
she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*
SEVENTH DEGREE
>Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was
the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered
at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home
to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
*:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*
|
